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[matt] 
"Cinemattic."
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 Posted - 03/24/2009 : 03:35:06
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Me and my friend were avoiding doing an essay yesterday and started coming up with amusing gravestone inscriptions. 
Here's what we came up with. Make up your own!
Buried alive.
You haven't seen the last of me.
Gone but not forgiven.
Here lies David Lawrie. (Or is it?)
In vague memory of...
I'm behind you. BOO!
Typical.
Insert body here.
I'm with stupid --->
I regret everything.
I'm not dead, I'm mortally challenged.
I've got rigor mortis. Fancy a shag?
Died in horrible agony, screaming to be killed so as to end his unbearable suffering.
Died in his sleep... when the roof of his house caved in and crushed him to death.
Had sex with your mum. Died of syphilis.
Tried to cheat death but lost.
I died and all I got was this lousy gravestone.
I was your father.
Left this world the same way he came into it; kicking and screaming, naked, covered in bodily fluids, and with absolutely nothing to his name.
You can take my soul, God, but you'll never have my body.
Life is over-rated anyway.
Resurrecting soon.
Gary Mitchell. 10/05/1958 - 24/03/2009. 24/03/2010 - 25/03/2010.
Death's a bitch and then you reincarnate.
Now I can finally rest in fucking peace.
Resting In Pieces.
Soiled for the final time.
R.I.Pee
Stop crying! I'm dead, get over it!
There's no point in talking to me, I can't hear you.
Finally rid of the curse that was my body.
Yes I owe you money. What are you going to do about it?
Has gone on to a better place. Anywhere is better than here.
You're ugly when you cry.
Performed at a Comedy Club and totally died.
Literally laughed his head off.
Went out on a Friday night and literally got wasted.
Tried for a high five, but was left hanging...
Suggested an idea and was shot down.
Turns out drugs aren't big or clever.
Had no regrets. Other than the overdose that killed him.
Necrophiliacs will be haunted.
Graverobbers will be prosecuted.
Graverobbers should know that I have a highly contagious skin disease.
A warning to graverobbers: this grave contains a spring-loaded explosive device. Your call.
Stipulated in his will that all his remaining money be spent on this tombstone.
Was given 2 months to live, and proceeded to squander all his money on gambling, booze, drugs and hookers.
Lead a long, happy, and fulfilling life, before dying a penniless alcoholic gambling addict riddled with STDs, in a drunken jet-ski accident at the age of 86.
The tragic victim of a high school shooting, Terry was forced to kill himself before the FBI could arrest him.
My other grave is a memorial statue.
Here lies the single greatest human being that ever lived.
I hope that in death, people will finally fully appreciate what a fucking awesome, talented guy I was.
Funnier even in death than you will ever be in life.
Finds it funny that during birth, he came out of a box, and in death, is put back into one.
Hoped to be reincarnated as a vagina.
Pull my finger.
Last words: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!"
I knew she wasn't listening. I said CREMATION!
This party really died.
After lying all his life, he's finally lying at the bottom of a grave.
You could've given me a memorial statue you cheap bastards.
Smile, you're being watched.
Feel that slight breeze on the back of your neck? That's me.
Stop standing on me you disrespectful fucker!
Have you seen the movie 'Poltergeist'? That's what will happen to you if you let your dog crap here.
The 'too much coke' side of life.
I hate you.
FINALLY.
Try nagging me now, you old cow.
My wife killed me.
You are here.
If you can read this, you're on my grave, asshole.
Here lies Elvis Presley. Just kidding, it's me, Matt.
Here lies the remains of Alan Smith. Well, the bits of of him we could find, at least.
Committed suicide when he was fired. Out of a canon.
Died shortly after he lost his wife. He ran out in front of a truck whilst looking for her.
Buried in a gigantic coffin to accommodate her rotund, grotesquely obese corpse.
Buried with a pine-fresh scented air freshener. Eliminates odours to give your coffin a clean, refreshing scent for up to 3 weeks!
Brought to you by The Tombstone Epitaph Design Company. You sketch it, we etch it!
Brought to you by Graveheart Gravedigging Company. You kill 'em, we fill 'em!
Brought to you by The CheapDig Gravediggers Service. We really DIG graves!
I'm dead. Serious.
Silent and deathly.
Tragically died when he tripped in the shower. How shit is that?
Died of the big C. That's right, a car.
Smoking kills. I didn't smoke and I still died.
If you'd hit me at 30, there was an 80% chance I would've lived.
Jack was such a failure, it took him 3 'attempted' suicides before he finally succeeded. What a loser.
We, her family, remain convinced that Julia was simply unaware of the effects of chasing an entire bottle of headache tablets with a bottle of vodka.
Suicide. Bummer.
This beloved Jamaican has gone on to Limbo forever.
Sarah will be missed... in the obituary section of the local newspaper. We can't afford it.
Take it from me: don't use electric razors in the bath.
Always the comedian, even his death brought people laughter.
This coffin is too small.
Let me out, I'm not dead! And I'm claustrophobic! My worst nightmare has come true!
Who's that man with my wife?
His final wish was to not die.
I guess I didn't have the last laugh.
Bite my wrinkly, decomposing ass.
I've got an itchy foot and I can't reach it!
Knock Knock.
I'm on a highway to hell.
Oh. Heaven is a place on earth.
The drugs did work.
The roof, the roof, the roof was on fire.
Lived for disco music. Died of Saturday night fever.
18 til he died.
Died when hit by a falling piano. Was crushed flat. Final words: "PIANOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
An unloving husband, terrible father and enemy of many.
I hate to break it to you, but there's no afterlife.
To be honest, Jesus isn't all that great. Bit of a bellend if you ask me.
Occupied.
Reserved.
Room for a small one...?
Kindly requests that if you don't have some flowers to lay down, you sod off.
Move along please, nothing to see here.
Left the entirety of his assets to a charity for blind cats. Just to spite his family.
I might be dead, but nothing has really changed; I still look down on all of you.
I'll be right here, Elliott.
Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's Johnny!
Asked to be buried in Pet Sematary.
Died laughing... at someone else's misfortune.
After burning to death in a fire, Steve had to be identified from his dental records. Good job the ugly bastard had such ridiculous donkey teeth.
Beyond the grave: be there or be square!
I see living people.
Expiration date: 24/03/09
Would like it to be known that his last words were extremely witty.
At his request, was buried with his beloved pet cat. Unfortunately, it was still alive.
Now the lazy bastard really can sleep forever.
Great. I just farted.
He hit someone in a bar. Then they hit him. In their car.
I don't want to put you off skydiving, but it's the reason I'm here.
What a view! Not.
When I drowned, my life flashed before my eyes... and fuck me was it depressing.
Asked to be taxidermised and displayed in the Louvre. They refused.
Buried in his favourite clothes; a t-shirt that reads 'Death is for pussies'.
If you're an extremely drunk, horny couple looking for somewhere to have sex, feel free to do it here. Seriously, I'm dead, it's not going to bother me.
PRAISE SATAN!
Buried with voodoo dolls of all his enemies.
Divorced. Beheaded. Died.
6 feet under. He loved that show.
Asked for his penis to be made into a dildo so he can continue to give pleasure to women everywhere from beyond the grave.
You are responsible for my death.
Ordered his priceless vintage car collection be scrapped for spare parts, just so nobody else could ever drive them.
Played Russian Roulette and forgot to only load one barrel.
Hoped his death would bring his family exactly what he got from them in life; utter misery.
If I had another chance, I would do it all again. Completely differently.
Asked to be cremated and have his ashes scattered at sea. But we don't believe in any of that hippie crap.
We never had a chance to say goodbye... He just upped and left for Vegas without telling any of us.
He was well hung.
Gutted. Literally.
Let's put it this way: it's fitting that 'obituary' has 'bitch' in it.
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Edited by - [matt] on 03/24/2009 14:23:02 |
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ChocolateLady 
"500 Chocolate Delights"
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Posted - 03/24/2009 : 06:40:48
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I didn't read all of them but how about:
I told you the end was near! |
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w22dheartlivie
"Kitty Lover"
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Posted - 03/24/2009 : 10:02:42
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These are actual epitaphs.
My favorite:
Here lies Lester Moore
Four slugs from a .44
No Les No Moore.
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.
Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.
(Bonnie Parker)
As the flowers are all made sweeter by
the sunshine and the dew, so this old
world is made brighter by the lives
of folks like you.
(Mel Blanc)
That's all, folks!
(Winston Churchill)
I am ready to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared
for the great ordeal of meeting me
is another matter.
(Rodney Dangerfield)
There goes the neighborhood.
(Bette Davis)
She did it the hard way
(Robert Frost)
I had a lover's quarrel with the world
(Jackie Gleason)
And away we go
Here lies the body of Richard Hind,
Who was neither ingenious, sober, nor kind.
(Jesse James)
Murdered by a traitor and a coward whose name is not worthy to appear here
(Jeremiah Johnson)
I told you I was sick.
AND
(Spike Milligan)
D�irt m� leat go raibh m� breoite.
(Jack Lemmon)
"In"
(John Laird McCaffery)
"John
Free your body and soul
Unfold your powerful wings
Climb up the highest mountains
Kick your feet up in the air
You may now live forever
Or return to this earth
Unless you feel good where you are!
---Missed by your friends"
(Studs Terkel)
Curiosity did not kill this cat
This is the end. |
Edited by - w22dheartlivie on 03/24/2009 10:03:56 |
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[matt]
"Cinemattic."
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Posted - 03/24/2009 : 10:10:47
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Professional stuntman and piranha-infested water diver, extreme sports enthusiast, lifelong smoker and heroin addict. Choked to death on a grape.
Contracted all cancers.
Tragically died after accidentally stabbing himself 36 times in the stomach.
The trees used in the making of this coffin have been replanted to cover my carbon footprint.
Professional graverobber. Would have robbed his own grave given the chance.
Brutal murderer and child rapist. Will be dearly missed.
Pimp my hearse.
My children are locked in the basement and I had the key buried with me.
Died unexpectedly after 98 short years of life.
Here lies Jamie Lee Curtis - 'The Body'.
Professional magician. Abracadaver!
Here lies Lisa, a transexual. It will be dearly missed.
Avenge me, son. AVEEEEEEENGE MEEEEE!!!
A celebrated composer. Now a decomposer.
Here lies twins Christina and Erica Sparrow. Both killed with one stone.
He always said jokingly "You'll be the death of me!" He never knew he was right.
He was always an incredibly lucky man. Then he won the lottery and died of a heart attack.
He was a poet, and he didn't even realise.
Here lies Bob the builder. Could they fix him? No, they couldn't.
Here lies Peter Pan. The boy who never grew up.
Had such BO that we couldn't tell she was dead for several days.
Here lies Santa Claus. Christmas is over, kids.
Died on the operating table. Of the mechanics where he worked.
Such a tight bastard, he refused to pay his own ransom.
Buried treasure.
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Edited by - [matt] on 03/24/2009 10:13:58 |
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ChocolateLady
"500 Chocolate Delights"
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Posted - 03/24/2009 : 10:18:37
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quote:
Originally posted by [matt]
He always said jokingly "You'll be the death of me!" He never knew he was right.
Actually I prefer:
She really was the death of me!
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Beanmimo 
"August review site"
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Posted - 03/24/2009 : 14:13:58
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Here lies the body of Johnathan Grey
Who died defending his right of way
Right, right as he drove along
He's just as dead as if he'd been wrong. |
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[matt]
"Cinemattic."
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Posted - 03/24/2009 : 16:23:15
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Haha I stole your spot.
Buried with someone else's beloved wife.
The only person ever to be more cold-hearted in life than they are in death.
Died of electrocution. His death was shocking news to us all.
Eat my dust.
Died when his pacemaker stopped working. His death was heart-breaking.
We were so disappointed in him.
We loved our son dearly. Then he told us he was gay.
Died a virgin. Haha!
Dude, I am so stoned.
Better 'late' than ever.
Brian woz ere.
It always made us laff how Dawn reely hated typoes annd bad grammer so a lot.
Died in the fire he started.
Died of liver failure; he failed to live.
Mauled by lions whilst on Safari, there isn't actually anything left of Kevin but his family still insisted on a 'burial'.
Even in death, Marie continues to be a complete waste of space.
College archaeological excavation site.
Indian burial ground.
Greg was really into sado-masochism. So he's probably really turned on right now.
Please urinate on my grave.
Suffocated to death. In the coffin we buried him in.
Grand opening tonight at 9pm!
These maggots are the best friends I've ever had.
Went to confession shortly before his death in the hope that God will forgive him for all that genocide back in the 80s.
Here lies Jesus H. Christ, who so kindly died for all of mankind's sins. Cheers JC, we owe you one mate.
We will always remember our grandpa. Even if the senile old git could never remember us.
Mysteriously disappeared and died before it was his round at the pub. How convenient.
The REAL grave of John Lennon.
This coffin is fitted with anti-graverobber burglar alarm.
This coffin is fitted with anti-necrophiliac rape alarm.
I'm stiff. Oo-er, sounds a bit rude!
Here lies Bigfoot. We hardly knew yee.
Frank. N. Stine.
Always the joker, he stipulated in his will that he be buried standing upright, so that we had to dig a grave twice as deep.
Beloved son, father, brother, and wife.
MILF.
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Edited by - [matt] on 03/25/2009 21:20:51 |
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[matt]
"Cinemattic."
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Posted - 03/25/2009 : 14:27:31
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Here's Wally.
One foot in the grave. The other not found.
Couldn't be assed to live.
Enjoyed his last trip.
Came down with a serious case of dead.
I had severe hayfever, don't put flowers on top of me you twat.
Tom B. Stone.
Had his organs put in jars. And secretly placed on the shelves of the local supermarket.
Tragically run over. By a stampede of buffalo.
Didn't pay attention to the 'Danger! High Voltage!' sign. If only we'd taught him how to read.
Lost at Jumanji.
He loved his view of the sea... as he leapt off the cliffs to his death.
Shit happened.
'Death to blacks!' he used to say. Bless his cotton socks.
Asked for his memoirs to be published when he died. Trouble is he never got round to writing them.
Unfortunately, we had to have him put down after he attacked the neighbour's cat.
Was so frightened of death he died of fright.
That'll teach him to touch my kids.
Trapped in an elevator. No, literally, in the doors.
Here lies dedicated zookeeper Adrian. Was killed by a lion. Son of a bitch.
I look forward to becoming a ghost so I can watch people masturbate.
See you in Hell. From Heaven, where I will be.
Sleeping with the fishes. Is punishable by death in two states.
Will be missed be his wife and children. As usual.
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[matt]
"Cinemattic."
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Posted - 03/26/2009 : 00:18:25
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Lactose intolerant. Run over by a milk float.
Highly allergic to cats. Unfortunately didn't find out until he'd already eaten one.
Here lies talented watchmaker Jim. Didn't see the truck until it was too late.
Here lies clock engineer Thomas, who suffered an untimely death.
Award-winning dentist. Identified by his dental records.
Turns out this cat didn't have nine lives.
At last, the dark secret of our family dies with him.
Killed for drug money. He was always merciless with people who didn't pay him back on time.
Now they'll never find the bodies.
That was shit.
And God killed Eric and saw that it was good.
Died when playing with fireworks. He always said he wanted to go out with a bang.
Lived in Bath. Died in bath.
Here lies Mr. Smith. And you have absolutely no idea if this is the right grave do you?
Here lies the entire Wilson family, buried in one grave to save cash.
Here lies Jade Goody. Good.
Matt Roach laughed in the face of Death. That's why he killed him.
Here lies porn star Bella, whose life was cruelly 'snatched' away.
Killed by a black widow. For murdering her husband.
Drowned in the local swimming pool, where I did nothing to help.
Sid always wished he could get a certificate. He finally got one in death.
Died whilst having sex. Pretty sweet eh? (For him at least.)
Drank himself to death. With a bottle of poison.
Kicked the bucket. Which bruised his toe and burst a vein, leading to the blood clot which caused his death.
Bit the dust. Behind the bus that hit him.
Passed away. The cure which would have saved him.
She always looked forward to dying. Her hair.
Gambled his life away. Literally.
Lived life on the edge. Of a cliff.
Guy walked into a bar.
Died from spontaneous combustion. When the bomb I left on his doorstep exploded.
Died for his beliefs. We had an argument about who was better out of Spiderman and Superman.
Died on the toilet. Crap eh?
Died of LOL. (Lopped Off Limbs.)
Died of smoking crack. When the firework he stuck in his butt exploded.
D.O.A. Died of AIDs.
Walked into the light. Of the oncoming train.
June 22 - July 22. Cancer.
It's alright, I lead a double life so I'm still alive.
No noose is good noose.
Slit his wrists with razor blades. Sponsored by Gillete Mach 3 Turbo.
Fell out of a hot air balloon. When I pushed her.
Run over. By me.
Have you had an accident in the last 3 years? She has.
Died giving birth. Happy birthday Claire.
Died giving birth. To an enormous, mutated baby.
Whodunnit?
Died mysteriously whilst playing Cluedo. Was it Colonel Mustard in the library?
He went down under. And never resurfaced.
See reverse for details.
He loved his fans. Until he fell into one of their spinning blades.
Worked for 30 years as an airport janitor. Contracted terminal cancer.
Loved dearly by both his families, who never knew of each other.
Died of exhaustion. When he was locked in a garage with a car engine running.
Son burned.
Went to a strip club and had a stroke.
Drowned in his own misery.
Fell asleep. Then fell whilst asleep.
All that remains are his remains.
William was tragically shot when the firing squad he was a part of were told to fire at will.
When I said 'through sickness and in health', I didn't really mean the sickness part.
Found the bullet with his name on it.
Forgot to keep the bus over 50.
IT WAS THE FUCKING BLUE WIRE.
His girlfriend left him. He was crushed.
Proof that the pen IS mightier than the sword; before he had time to draw his sword, I'd already stabbed him several times in the temple with my biro.
Choked to death. Sweet.
Choked to death on a large piece of cheese. Grate!
Worked in a drill factory. Bored to death.
Had an open casket. We probably should've closed it before we filled in the hole.
Ironically loved life.
Caught his death of cold. He never listened.
Crapped his pants when he died. How embarassing.
An overdose of Red Bull gave her wings.
Overslept on his biological clock.
Faked his own life.
Choked on cyanide pill.
Begged for change. Then begged for mercy.
Fingered by Edward Scissorhands.
Literally 'laid' to rest.
Fabric designer. Met her final curtain.
Died on the cross...roads at Junction 6.
Comedian died. Just choking!
'Tripped' with acid.
Wrongly convicted of murder and died after 40 years in prison. My bad.
Given a lethal injection. By his absent-minded doctor.
Death by chocolate! She choked on a malteaser.
Here lies Miss T. Bell. We should have believed in her.
Lost at sea. Then found and buried here.
Can anybody here me?
Fell down a well. Well, well, well.
A respected police constable for 25 years. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.
Chocked on an apple. It shook us to the core.
Died of natural causes. Choked on an organic carrot.
Boxed. Unfresh.
Shot as a joke. April Fool!
Crushed by gravestone.
Beaten to death with the ugly stick.
I would've got away with it, if it weren't for you meddling kids!
Froze to death in Iceland. We found him locked in one of the freezers.
Rock, heavy metal... swing, POP! That'll teach the little punk. His soul can go to hell.
We'll never forget Terry. Paul's much cooler twin.
Mistaken for goat in pagan ritual.
We were forced to turn off his life support... when we all got bored of visiting him in hospital.
Told Voldemort to fuck off.
Forgot to establish a safety word when visiting an extreme dominatrix.
He will be dearly missed. Oh who are we kidding, we fucking hated the miserable prick.
Joe always had a smile on his face. In the coma that he never woke up from.
Interior decorator. Decorated his final wall. With his brains.
I won an Olympic medal, wrote several bestselling books and fathered three children. What the fuck have you done?
The morgue janitor touched me... down there.
Ain't that a kick in the head. Yes, it was.
Killed by a Red Indian. How?
Went over to the other side... of the road whilst drunk driving.
Male porn star was blown away. Which sucked.
He always did like shooting his mouth off.
Cyanide. Does exactly what it says on the tin.
Loved his collection of frogs and toads. He finally croaked himself.
100% biodegradable.
He wouldn't be seen dead in that suit.
She was always a fashion victim. Tripped and broke her neck wearing 3 inch heels.
Admittedly, the sex did dry up.
Possibly still in the belly of a whale.
Here lies Detective Anderson. Case closed.
Vampires should know I had AIDs.
Had a real lust for life. Then he lost his life.
Despite his claims, was not immortal.
Frank was posessed. By a sudden desire to jump off a bridge.
World 'Playing Dead' champion.
Winner of Guildford Morgue's monthly 'Funniest Looking Dead Guy' competition.
No longer able to think outside the box.
I've got wood. Encasing me in on all sides.
God giveth, and Dog taketh away.
Coming soon to a lab near you.
Buttocks donated to medical science.
This message is brought to you from beyond the grave.
Scratch and sniff.
Died of lead poisoning. After being shot.
Worked in a blood bank. Died of blood loss.
Finally took some of my advice. Shame it was when I told him to sod off and die.
Now on BluRay.
Subscribe to my newsletter at www.blogspot.com/musingsofadeadbody.com.
I'm still on Facebook.
Rate me on HotOrNot!
Email: [email protected]
Crushed by house in Munchkinland. Would anyone with information regarding a pair of ruby slippers please come forward.
Fin.
The end is only the beginning... of my body's slow decomposition.
The Corpse Ride. �50 an hour.
A parent should never have to bury their child. I thought this was the gravedigger's job?
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chazbo 
"Outta This Fuckin' Place"
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Posted - 03/26/2009 : 21:28:00
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When I'm in the mood for sardonic morbidity, I just pop in Nick Cave's Murder Ballads.
I'd prefer a simple epitaph, such as
R.I.P.E.
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[matt]
"Cinemattic."
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Posted - 03/28/2009 : 20:26:57
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haha nice one 
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Funny Epitaphs
