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| Old woman survives tragedy. |
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| Huge ship sinks. Tragedy. |
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| Doesn't sink fast enough. |
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| Great effects, crap story. |
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| Survivor confesses Titanic fling. |
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| SOS - such onerous storytelling. |
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| Thinking: just sink dammit! |
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| Iceberg ahead! Ooops! Gulp. |
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| Iceberg: One. Winslet: Nil. |
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| Effects float above romance. |
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| Stupid lady loses necklace! |
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| Leonardo finally goes down. |
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| Boy + Girl + Titanic = Bawlfest. |
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| The wrong guy survives... |
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| Best actor: propeller guy. |
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| Ship sinks, wankers survive. |
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| Fast forward fifty minutes. |
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| Iceberg out acts DiCaprio. |
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| Tragic and sad... acting. |
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| Big ship, bigger iceberg. |
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| Stunning. Gorgeous. Moving. Bawl-fest. |
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| Cheesy film, historical re-write. |
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| Disaster epic, epic disaster. |
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| Makes euthanasia seem justified. |
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| Romance before storyline. Glug! |
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| Iceberg: Aristocracy? Technology? Unimpressed! |
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| Catastrophe film, catastrophic film. |
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| Sinks before iceburg hits. |
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| Pauper, rich bird, ICEBERG. |
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| Requires Titanic spectator endurance. |
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| Needn't watch before iceberg. |
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| Shirking seaman sinks ship. |
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| Iceburg can't stop Cameron. |
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| Best thing: Rose's boobs. |
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| Re-creation survives water-logged plot. |
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| Highly overrated nautical mush! |
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| Patience is unrewarding virtue. |
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| Underestimated iceberg. Leo drowns. |
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| Iceberg kills World King. |
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| Love interest drowns story. |
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| Atrocious tragedy; atrocious romance. |
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| Rose throws away diamond?!?!?!?!?!? |
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| Hollywood epic misses boat. |
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| Lovers swoon, ship doomed. |
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| Cameron's ego outweighs ship. |
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| Misfit proletarian wins heart. |
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| Senior citizen sinks diamond. |
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| Stowaway shags posh totty. |
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| Teenagers make Cameron wealthy. |
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| Contrived romance mars docudrama. |
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| Man falls onto propellor! |
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| Winslet redefines 'maiden voyage'. |
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| Selfish bitch hogs float. |
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| Buffoon boffs buxom babe. |
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| Everything including kitchen sinks. |
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| DiCaprio drowns, Winslet weeps. |
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| Breasts save Titanic bore. |
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| Steerage treated like sewage. |
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| Iceberg quells steamy romance. |
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